"Illusory Perception"

by David Barragan (me)

I keep feeling people next to me that aren't there. I keep hearing a word violently echo from time to time. During the night, I spend my time alone in the living room, hoping that the people I feel next to me are real, hoping that the words could start a conversation. And if they do show up, I hope that they understand what many couldn't. I hope they see me and not through me. I hope to hear more words, so we could talk for the rest of the night. If they do show up, I hope for them to be tangible, because I need arms to embrace me. I need a touch to embrace me to let me know that I am not alone, and I wouldn't care if it was only for a couple of seconds. I would only care that it ever did hold me.




But every night is the same. I sit alone in the dark, waiting endlessly. The emptiness of the room lurks upon my hopes, disappointment only growing bigger and bitter. In the end, all I had were feelings and thoughts that were trying comfort me for my loneliness. And when it comes to realize how cruel the truth really is, I have no other option than to fall asleep. Because only in my dreams do I not worry about such things.




When I dream, I am at peace. I could dream of beautiful things, or dream of guns shooting every bullet into my skull, and I wouldn't care as long as I'm asleep. Only in my dreams am I free of worries, nothing like the real world, where worry is some sort of habit or addiction. In my sleep, I can be whoever I am and choose whatever I wish. Sometimes I would be judged and criticized, but I wouldn't care, because I'm asleep. The best part of dreaming is that everything is timed and divided to sections. If I would make a mistake, it would only last so long. And If I'm wrong about dreams, about life, about how I think, about who I am, about the things I choose, about the way I breathe, about the way I see, about everything and everything else that would take place in that huge thing we know as life, I wouldn't care... as long as I'm asleep.